Today, I want to talk about tantrums. More specifically, I want to talk about my views on tantrums and how I handle my daughter Chloe’s tantrums. Of course, I’ll throw out the mandatory disclaimer – I’m not an expert. I’m writing this based on my own views on parenting and my own experiences as a first time mom and the mom of a toddler.
A lot of people consider tantrums to be a negative thing, they consider it to be a form of bad behavior. If you look it up in the dictionary, tantrum is defined as “an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration.” Uncontrolled… outburst…anger…frustration… even the definition sounds negative. Conversely, when I think of tantrums, I see them as a way to self-regulate and a way to release big emotions, feelings and/or tension.
Children have the same big emotions that we experience as adults. They experience stress, anxiety, fear, frustration, anger and sadness. As adults, we have ‘tools’ that can help us deal with these emotions. For example, let’s say I’m upset with my husband, I can talk with him. I can let him know why I am upset. If I am feeling sad, I can take some time for self-care, perhaps take a walk or a relaxing bath. If I’m dealing with anxiety, I’m able to talk to a professional and perhaps learn some additional tools to help me deal with how I am feeling. I am able to recognize when I am starting to feel overwhelmed and when I do, I can take a step back and catch my breath or compose myself. But even with these tools or methods of working through our emotions, we all have our breaking points. We storm out of a room, we slam a door, we yell or say something we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Not surprisingly, how we respond when we do reach our breaking point can intensify, especially if we have been bottling things up or putting off dealing with something that has been bothering us. I don’t know about you, but I find now that I’m a mom, I have a tendency to bottle things up more than before I had Chloe. I don’t know if it’s because it feels like there’s an expectation that moms can handle it all or if I simply don’t prioritize my feelings. Because of this, when I’m having a bad day or when my emotions finally come out, it sometimes seems a bit extreme.
Once I started thinking about my own “tantrums” and my own emotions, it really changed the way I view Chloe’s. Unlike us, our children don’t have the same tools for dealing with their emotions. However, they still have to release these emotions.
Another thing that changed the way I viewed Chloe’s tantrums (or rather, influenced how I would view them – I heard this before becoming a mom) is the quote, “Our children are not giving us a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” This quote has seen me through everything from the sleepless newborn nights where she’d scream if she wasn’t on my chest to sobbing because I wouldn’t let her have a dog treat.
When trying to figure out how to help Chloe, I like to think about what I would want (or need) during my own release of emotions. I will put myself in Chloe’s shoes. For instance, I’ll try to imagine what it must feel like to want nothing more than to watch The Wiggles and to be told no. When Chloe is acting like the world is falling apart, I try to think of a moment where I felt that way. If I know that she’s upset because she was unable to accomplish something she had her heart set on, I think about a time where I didn’t accomplish one of my goals or a time when I tried my best but failed. I ask myself “how would I want someone to act for me in these situations?” I know myself pretty well. I know that I need comfort. The last thing I want to hear when I’m anxious, stressed or sad is “suck it up”, “deal with it”, “cope” or “you’re overreacting.” I want someone who is calm and reassuring, someone who will lend an ear and give me a shoulder to cry on, someone who will give me a comforting hug. Chloe is similar to me in this way. When she is upset, she looks for comfort. For example, if Chloe trips and falls and I see her hit her head but I know she’s okay, I don’t tell her that she’s fine. Instead, I ask her, “Did you bump your head? Are you okay?” Sometimes she wants a hug, other times she shrugs it off and continues playing.
As I said, the last thing that I want to hear when I am upset is that I am overreacting or being dramatic, so I don’t say these things to Chloe. I don’t criticize her emotions. I believe that criticizing a toddler’s emotions (or anyone’s emotions for that matter) can be very damaging to their mental health. I think that we teach our children a lot based on how we handle their emotions. If we criticize their emotions or make them feel ashamed, they are going to learn to bottle things up and of course, over time, this can lead to serious mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. I also feel it is damaging to our relationship with our children if we make their emotions a negative thing. I want Chloe to feel that she can come to me, no matter how she is feeling or what she is going through, and I will help her get through it. I choose a calm, gentle and respectful approach. I’d like to think it is my overall parenting style. Chloe is as much a person as I am and her emotions are just as real and valid as mine. When we choose to be respectful and calm during a tantrum, our children learn to handle problems in a calm and respectful manner.
Sometimes as parents, we have to remind ourselves that it is normal and healthy for our children to have big emotions, and when they do, they have to release them. That’s right – tantrums are not a bad thing, they are normal and healthy! In fact, I spoke to our healthcare provider about this at Chloe’s 15-month wellness check. I was asked, “Does Chloe show emotions? Does Chloe get upset?” If they doubted me, they ended up seeing first hand just how upset Chloe can get when they stripped her down to weigh her.
I find some parents get stressed when their child has a tantrum in public. Personally, I’m not really phased by what strangers in a grocery store think about me when my daughter cries. That being said, if I were in public and I started to cry, I wouldn’t want everyone watching me. So, if I’m out in public with Chloe and she starts to have a tantrum, I try to find her some privacy – sometimes this may be a washroom or a quiet corner, other times we may have to go to the car. I always try to communicate with her that she is not in trouble and that I’m taking her somewhere quiet for her.
Something else I find very useful is knowing some of the things that cause Chloe to experience big emotions. Now, this can be easier said than done because sometimes the reasons aren’t the most logical to an adult. I mean, I’ve seen my daughter completely meltdown for five minutes or more because I wouldn’t let her have a bowl of goldfish crackers as I was plating her meal. So, whenever possible, I keep the box of goldfish crackers out of sight. I’ve also learned that, like most kids her age, Chloe is likely to have a tantrum when she is overtired. If she’s had a rough night or if she didn’t nap well, I definitely keep an eye out for possible tantrum triggers and when she does start to cry for no apparent reason, I reassure her that I understand what she’s going through (mamas understand what it’s like to be overtired. Recently, I’ve noticed that Chloe has huge emotional outbursts (tantrums) when she’s not given a choice and simply moved to the next task. For example, if she wants to go play and I pick her up to change her diaper or take her to the bath, she will scream, she will try her best to get out of my arms, she will flail about like a mad woman, etc. As normal as tantrums are, I don’t want to make my child cry or feel upset, so, whenever possible, I will budget more time, give her options or make a necessary task seem like her idea.
And finally, when dealing with Chloe’s emotions, I need to make sure that I stay calm. When you have a toddler screaming in your face or throwing themselves to the ground, it’s okay to take a couple of deep breaths. It’s also important to remember that “taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your child.” Make time for self-care. It really does help.
What about you? How do you handle tantrums?
–Marley
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